Responsibilities - Pt. 1

A couple of things I want to set out before I start this entry:

1. I am not an expert nor am I perfect. I am a work in progress.
2. The purpose of these entries is not to “toot my own horn,” but to share information and encourage others who are also works in progress.
3. Since I am not an expert nor perfect, I will make mistakes. If I phrase something in a way that is insensitive or I have made assumptions based on stereotypes without realizing it, please call me out. I want to learn.

One of the greatest responsibilities we accept as adoptive parents is to make sure we are raising strong people of color. It occurred to me early on that we are uniquely unqualified to meet this challenge alone. WMWM and I would have to look to people of color to help us.

So, I started counting the number of people of color with whom we have close relationships and who could serve as role models for our son. There were exactly none. We have a few Black-American acquaintances, but no close friends.

It saddened me to realize that it took adoption for me to grasp how very white and very privileged my world is, especially since I considered myself an open-minded, non-racist individual (more on that deluded thinking in a future post).

The thought of establishing new, close relationships in our lives was overwhelming. By the time you reach our age, your circle is pretty much established. Building relationships requires time and energy, but kids, jobs, and other commitments don’t leave you with much of either. On top of that, where would we start?

We decided to start with church because we truly desire our son to be loved and influenced by people of faith. I began visiting predominantly Black-American churches and found one that I loved, which I'll call "M". We are very active in our Lutheran church (T), so this decision meant that we would need to find a way to honor both our Lutheran heritage and M.

I’ll be honest – it hasn’t been easy finding a way to honor both. See, WMWM was baptized and confirmed at T and has attended there all his life. His parents, grandparents on both sides, and on back for generations attended this church. Our kids were baptized there. The roots run deep. Also, WMWM was elected president of our congregation, and as such is expected to attend faithfully.

For now our solution is to split our time. I attend M every other Sunday, and WMWM has committed to attending once a month for now. On the one Sunday a month when WMWM and I do not attend the same church, we usually let the kids decide which parent they would like to go with.

I’m getting off track from where I wanted to go here, so let me bring it back around. Deciding to attend a new church was not easy. As usual, I was worried. I worried that . . .

people would stare at me . .
some might resent me for being there . . .
people would think I was trying to “act black” (whatever that means) . . .
once they found out I was adopting, would people think I was “using them” to be my “black friends”? And would they be right? . . .
I would accidentally say something stupid or offensive . . .
etc. etc. etc.

In other words, it was all about ME. But then I realized it's not about me, it's about SPUD.

This post is getting long, so I will continue tomorrow. Thanks for hanging in there!

Peace.