I'm not sure what to do with the swill of feelings I've been experiencing lately. Self-pity. Jealousy. Faithlessness.
It's like I've been playing "Whack a Mole" in my head the last few weeks.Mole (twisted mind): "What the heck is going on over there? We've had our referral since Nov. 2, we had 3 court dates, and we've been told that there's a misspelling on Spud's paperwork that needs to be fixed before an embassy appointment can be scheduled and this error may push things out another week. Why is this happening to me?"
Whack! (rational mind): "Why NOT you? Nobody is doing anything TO you, it just is. And it just is for a reason, a reason we may never know, but God knows. Maybe there's something we need to do here yet. Maybe Africa needs her Spud for a little while longer, or he needs her."
Mole: "Yeah, but look at all those people who get to travel now. Most of them didn't have these set backs."
Whack!" You haven't walked a mile in their shoes. How do you know what setbacks they have faced getting where they are? Many, many who have adopted have had longer, harder journeys than yours. Stop complaining about a few weeks."
Mole: "Now I feel guilty for feeling this way."
Whack! Whack! "It's okay to feel sad. You're missing a part of your child's life. Every day he's doing things that you aren't there to share. The days ARE slipping by, and they are days that won't come again. That is sad. Here's a tissue."
Mole: "If you had faith, you wouldn't feel this way."
Whack! Whack! Whack! "God never promised you wouldn't feel lousy sometimes, that you wouldn't be scrambling for your mustard seed. But its times like these you know your faith is alive, because it's almost tangible, like you're hanging on Jesus's cloak. And even though he's walking and you're dragging in the dirt, you've got hold of his hem. And it's all good where he's taking you."
So there it is. The no good, very bad, terrible me.
WHACK!
Peace.
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4 comments:
I remember all those feelings too! I was SO jealous of everyone else as my court dates kept getting pushed back. Luckily my paperwork was okay but my traveling companions (the Reese's) had a problem sounding similar to yours and we could not travel together.
Don't feel bad about those feelings...they are completely normal. Pretty soon, you will have that little one in your arms and you will forget all about that MOLE.
Please don't feel bad for posting these. They are true and justified. You are being REAL and I love that about this post. I've been praying for a lot this week and I know I would be feeling the exact same way.
I could quote all the verses I know you already know and I could tell you I've been there but because I've been there I know hearing it doesn't always help.
I'm praying for you, email me if you want to vent and cling to Gods promises in Habakkuk 2:3 -
"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day."
I don't think there is a mom out there who hasn't gone through these exact same feelings. We waited 3 months after our referral for our first court date. I feel your pain.
Stacie F
You have a wonderful way to express what goes on in the mind of each and every believer! This is such a funny and creative way to point out the sad truth in all of us! We are pulled one way by our emotions and then God gently, or sometimes not so gently, pulls our thoughts back to where they need to be...in line with His word. Faith that is not tested is a dead faith. So, as a teacher you can completely relate to the test thing. We have to take our test, look at our own "paper" (no one else's), use what we've learned and studied to pass it, and hand it in to our Teacher for our passing grade! Good luck!
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