Cloudy Days

Lest my last post make it sound like the last 3 weeks have been all sunshine and roses, let me say that I could only write that post after having a few consecutive good days under my belt.

Our first couple weeks home were hard. The exhaustion from the travel and emotional roller coaster of the trip settled on me like a black fog. Many days I wept. I mourned the passing of many things -- my relatively unencumbered lifestyle, spending time with my husband and older kids, the childhoods of my older kids, my personal space, just to name a few. Spud needed me 24/7 (of course), and I was sure I wasn’t meeting his needs. Guilt. Sometimes I didn’t like him. More than a few times I thought we had made a mistake.

Though a couple weeks seems short, it felt like they lasted forever, and I am only now able to put that time in perspective. Looking back, I should have expected and been better prepared for the stress of those first weeks. I would have let go of the fantasy of falling in love instantly with my child and being the perfect mom and wife. I continue to struggle with the guilty feelings of not doing enough or being enough for Spud and the rest of the family, but I try to remember to give myself a break. I try to remember in those moments of despair that the moment won’t last forever.

I know for many people the black fog lasts longer than a couple weeks, especially if the family is dealing with attachment issues. My heart goes out to these families.

I’m reading The Post Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption by Foli & Thompson. I wish I had read it before I left; it really speaks to the feelings I’ve had since we’ve been home. Even if you’re not prone to getting the blues as I am, the book will help you set realistic expectations for that much-anticipated time when you bring your child home. Seriously, go get a copy.

Peace.