Don't Mess With Mommy

Bye Bye Bloggie

2008-06-10T19:26:00.000-05:00

We're signing off! Thanks for reading.

Not Feeling My Blog

2008-05-30T08:12:00.010-05:00

I've been MIA, and I'm not sure why. Busyness is sure part of it, but the other part I'm having difficulty defining. One may be the swirl of emotions I'm feeling that I can't put into words (and I'm never at a loss for words). The other is that when I began this blog I wanted it to be edgy and topical, but it has turned into a blah-blah-blah "look at my beautiful kid" blog. (Not that he isn't beautiful and completely blog-worthy -- he is!) But I want also want to discuss real issues related to adoption and mothering, but I don't trust my own voice on these issues sometimes. Do I know enough? Aren't others already doing this much better than I ever could? Some of the issues are too personal to my family, and though I think blogging about them would be helpful to others, I cannot expose my family's private life here.

So...while I work this out, I'll give you Spud updates.

Spud's progress and endearing qualities:
-He knows about 20 English words now.
-He has a regular nap schedule (Praise the Lord!)
-His eating is getting slightly better; he'll eat pizza and strawberries now!
-He loves jumping on our trampoline.
-He loves to mow the lawn with daddy. He'll sit on WMWM's lap for 40 minutes at a stretch.
-He has learned that markers are only for paper.
-he loves to wake up the big kids in the morning.
-He loves giving kisses, especially during meal times when his lips are covered with things I find personally disgusting (oatmeal, peas).
-He has a baby doll that he carries around very lovingly. He takes it for rides in his little stroller and his Cozy Coupe car. He snuggles it when he sleeps. He feeds it when he eats.
-He is enamored with his own belly and everyone else's. He will pat, squeeze and poke his own belly and ask you to expose yours so he can do the same.
-He often requests the books Peek-A-Boo, Please Puppy Please, and Water Water. But don't try to read him any other book -- not interested.

Less endearing qualities and trying moments:
-He'll turn on every toy he has that makes noise (and he has hundreds of them) then leave the room.
-At one point he didn't know that markers were just for paper.
-When I wasn't looking (stupid me) he got ahold of a bottle of nail polish and dropped it on the tile floor in the kitchen. Before I realized what was happening he had tracked it across the kitchen and was covered in a lovely shade of OPI's "I'm Not Really a Waitress."
-When he trips over something or bumps into something, he'll hit, kick and scold the offending object.
-When he gets pissed off, he hurls whatever is near across the room. If there is nothing close he'll go to the kitchen cabinets and hurl Tupperware, pots and pans. Then I'm pissed off. Then there's a war of the wills. Mommy wins (as far as you know).

Here are the latest pics. Peace.

Spring has Sprung

2008-05-10T10:12:00.003-05:00

What's in there, Spud?

Babies!

Peace.

Poor Spuddy

2008-05-02T19:07:00.006-05:00

Spud visited the doctor today to begin his immunizations. Poor thing had 6 shots. Ouch!

Here's one side:

And here's the other:

Next month he'll have to have 6 more shots and 6 more two months after that. Then he'll be caught up.

I had to hold him down while the nurse used him for target practice -- that was awful. Next time I'll be taking grandma to hold him down and I'll wait outside. Spud was so mad at me he wouldn't look at me all the way home and then he refused to eat lunch.

After his nap Spud gimped around like an old man. Since he had shots in both legs, he couldn't figure out which one to favor, so he would take a step and lift one, then take a step and lift the other. I felt terrible for him.

Spud continues to find new ways to make us laugh. WMWM, Tater, Race & I all wear glasses. Spud thinks he should be wearing them too, so he keeps trying to take ours off so he can try them out. Finally I gave him a pair of my old glasses to keep him busy. I'm pretty blind, so he toddled around like a drunken sailor for awhile.

Here is a fun picture that obviously wasn't taken today!

Hoping for a return of the happy face tomorrow.

Peace.

Cloudy Days

2008-04-29T08:08:00.002-05:00

Lest my last post make it sound like the last 3 weeks have been all sunshine and roses, let me say that I could only write that post after having a few consecutive good days under my belt.

Our first couple weeks home were hard. The exhaustion from the travel and emotional roller coaster of the trip settled on me like a black fog. Many days I wept. I mourned the passing of many things -- my relatively unencumbered lifestyle, spending time with my husband and older kids, the childhoods of my older kids, my personal space, just to name a few. Spud needed me 24/7 (of course), and I was sure I wasn’t meeting his needs. Guilt. Sometimes I didn’t like him. More than a few times I thought we had made a mistake.

Though a couple weeks seems short, it felt like they lasted forever, and I am only now able to put that time in perspective. Looking back, I should have expected and been better prepared for the stress of those first weeks. I would have let go of the fantasy of falling in love instantly with my child and being the perfect mom and wife. I continue to struggle with the guilty feelings of not doing enough or being enough for Spud and the rest of the family, but I try to remember to give myself a break. I try to remember in those moments of despair that the moment won’t last forever.

I know for many people the black fog lasts longer than a couple weeks, especially if the family is dealing with attachment issues. My heart goes out to these families.

I’m reading The Post Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption by Foli & Thompson. I wish I had read it before I left; it really speaks to the feelings I’ve had since we’ve been home. Even if you’re not prone to getting the blues as I am, the book will help you set realistic expectations for that much-anticipated time when you bring your child home. Seriously, go get a copy.

Peace.

You are My Sunshine

2008-04-28T18:36:00.015-05:00

(If you want to skip the blah, blah, blah, there are pictures at the end of this post!)

Spud Central is beginning to hum along. Today marks 3 weeks home with him!

Spud is a happy, affectionate little guy who loves being the center of attention. He is spontaneously loving and stubborn – in equal measure :) He seems to have slid into his life here with relative ease. I have not detected any real emotional distress on his part yet, though I’m sure he has experienced more than I realize.

We have had our bumps in the last few weeks – all to be expected. I mentioned the language barrier before; that continues to be a challenge. It’s frustrating not being able to understand exactly what he wants, and it’s frustrating not being able to explain to him what I want. But it’s getting better, and body language speaks volumes (his and mine!).

The sleep issues are also improving. He’s still waking at 4 a.m. on some days, but if WMWM or I go lie on the twin bed next to his crib, he’ll go back to sleep until 6:30 or 7. He’s napping regularly in the afternoons, but usually only an hour or so.

Meal times are definitely still stressful. One day Spud will eat something, but the next day he will reject the same thing. Besides peas and Cheerios, we haven’t hit on anything that he’ll eat consistently. I tend to take it personally when he doesn’t eat, which is ridiculous of me. The pediatrician says not to worry too much about his food intake; it’s the only part of his life he can control right now, so he’s bound to exert his power. That made me feel a little better. But not much.

I have been working on keeping my expectations in check here. Since Spud has slid so easily into our lives with few attachment issues, I tend to forget he just got here and sometimes expect the same from him that I expected from my other kids at his age. It’s easy to forget he probably doesn’t understand 95% of what is said to him and that nearly everything is still a new experience.

Tater and Racer, especially Racer, are smitten with the little guy. They are extremely helpful and patient with him, though they do laugh at him when he’s naughty which encourages the behavior. Tater taught him how to jump on the couch, and now I must break him of that habit even though it’s hilarious because he laughs like a maniac when he does it.

Spud is pretty much a little ray of sunshine in our lives, and we are so happy he is home!

Daddy is Spud's hero, and this firetruck is his favorite toy.

Spud and Dad spend a lot of time tumbling, tossing, and tickling.

Spud gets a big kick out of blowing zurples on daddy's belly. We're pretty sure this is how WMWM got ringworm on his stomach.

This is another of Spud's favorite tricks -- ta da -- Super Diaper Baby!

Brother Tater is passing on all his best baseball tips.

And looking forward to passing on his lawn care duties.

Sister Speed Racer also seems eager to pass along her yard chores.

Racer spoils the kid rotten and tends to give in to his every whim.

And here are some random pictures of Spud being cute.

Peace.

He's Sleeping!

2008-04-18T12:42:00.010-05:00

Spud is napping, giving me a chance to update here.

I was going to give a recap of our trip to Ethiopia, but it was so personal that it's difficult to express. Also, every time I try to put into words what we experienced there, it ends up sounding like trite generalizations -- i.e. the people are beautiful, hardworking, friendly, etc. Romanticizing the country doesn't do it or our children justice. I will say this, the city is beautiful and terrible, and I won't ever forget it.

Soooooo...I'll give you a Spud details!

Where to start? He's much funnier than we had anticipated, and he knows how to work it! This is what we call "the look."

When he's being impish, he'll look at you out of the corner of his eyes while turning his head all the way around. It may not sound funny, but it is HYSTERICAL and we laugh so hard at him, which he loves.

He is loving and will throw his arms around you and kiss you smack on the lips! He loves being tickled and tossed in the air, and he loves his brother and sister.

What have been the challenges? Well, the language thing is pretty huge, though Spud manages to communicate quite effectively with us by grunting, squealing, and pointing. He will even grab your legs and attempt to drag you to where he would like you to be. Napping has been an issue of course -- sometimes we get one, sometimes two -- but never, ever do we go peacefully. But the hardest thing for me has been feeding this child.

We took a trip to an adoption doc in Chicago on Tuesday, and he told us Spud is still suffering the effects of malnutrition (he is 5th percentile for height and 5th for weight). He needs lots of protein and is supposed to be on PediaSure for the next six months. Unfortunately, he refuses to get near the PediaSure and seems to want to eat only noodles and oatmeal. This is stressing me out bigtime, and I would love any advice.

Daddy did bring home some ice cream bars the other night, which at first we couldn't figure out.

But then we decided they were pretty yum!

Other than that, Spud's just hanging out doing your basic kid stuff.

Everything considered, it's all good in Spud Land. Thanks for checking in!

Peace.

Interesting Posts

2008-04-16T14:12:00.005-05:00

We're still recoving here from our trip, but updates are to come. In the meantime, you may want to check out these interesting posts.

Behaviors and Attitudes of Allies to Transracial Adoptees (4/14 post)

An interesting discussion of the role of religion in adoption (4/11-4/14 posts)

Peace.

Addis Ababa 2

2008-04-11T20:52:00.001-05:00

Addis Ababa 1

2008-04-11T20:51:00.001-05:00

We're Home!

2008-04-10T06:31:00.028-05:00

Hi friends and family,
We are home and settling in. The time change is still kicking our behinds, and Spud is keeping us hopping! I'll just manage to get some pictures uploaded here -- I know that's all you really want anyway! Enjoy.

This is Spud on the first day we met him. We went to relax in a beautiful garden by the Ghion Hotel.

Spud checked us out thoroughly and decided we'd do.

This is the first night he was allowed to spend the night with us. Everything went great.

Here we are ready for church!

And here's Spud charming his mama.

Beautiful brothers just hanging out.

Spud can be VERY silly!

Everyone needs a nakey baby picture on their blog.

Finally, daddy and Racer showed up. Spud was thrilled (and so was mama.)

WMWM is such a hottie -- and he carries the diaper bag too!

The boys taking a stroll.

Aren't I precious?

Spud is enjoying the cake served at the HOH 1st anniversary celebration.

This is us with Ephrim, our driver, at a museum.

This is a random picture of Tater's tongue that he took himself. He is quite proud of it.

Dad and Spud enjoying suckers together.

Spud's first experience in a swimming pool.

Hey, he likes it!

He warmed up to Racer pretty quickly.

She's a great big sister.

Racer participated in her first coffee ceremony. Will she love coffee like her mama?

Not so much!

Spud in his PJs ready for the plan trip home.

And here he is - home and already playing with Grandpa . . .

. . . and Meemaw . . .

. . . and Grandpa T . . .

. . . and Grammie!

Hope you enjoyed our pictures.

Peace.

Salam!

2008-03-27T19:40:00.002-05:00

I have lost track of the days here--it is easy to do!

Adopting friends, if you are packing right now for Ethiopia, go immediately to your suitcases and leave half of what you have packed at home. Seriously. You do not need all that stuff. We packed WAY TOO MUCH! Also, the thing I have been most grateful for is travel-size packs of tissues. There is no TP here in public places, and your child WILL have a runny nose that needs to be wiped constantly. And the nannies will expect YOU to wipe your child's nose ALL THE TIME. Do not be lax in this. I'm not kidding.

When you get here, do not be alarmed if your child is given orange soda at meals. I don't know about y'all, but my kids didn't get soda until they were in kindergarten, and then sparingly. I was shocked to see Spud enjoying pop at every meal. That will end soon enough.

Spud, by the way, is a serious boy as we were told. But yesterday Almaz, the HOH director's wife, had him belly laughing! It was so good to see. He was squealing with delight because she was being so silly. Of course, he will not crack a smile yet in my direction, but all in good time. The nannies chant "ma-ma, ma-ma, ma-ma," when I am near him. I don't tink this is helping. :)

My son, Tater, has been so wonderful. He is patient, and gracious, and brave. I know he is often bored but he does not let on. He has not complained once. He plays with all the children at the HOH. He misses his father terribly.

My top five things for traveling parents to know:

1. Like I said, pack sparingly, at least clothes-wise. We brought way too many clothes. It is warm this time of year--I have not needed one of my 3 jackets I brought yet--even in the evening.

2. It is very, very dusty here. I have had a bloody nose every day. I have eaten at least 20 lbs. of dirt. Of course with the dry weather, it is to be expected. Even though it is so dusty, the Ethiopian people are fastidious. They are always sweeping and cleaning. Our driver cleans our rented car several times a day even though it is a losing battle.

3. When you bring toys for the children at the HOH, hand out just one to each child at a time. The nannies do not like chaos and will frown upon a free-for-all. Everything must be done in an orderly fashion. I have learned my lesson.

4. Everyone told us before we left to avoid eating certain things. This is nearly impossible. When the cook puts lettuce or fresh vegetables in front of us, we eat it. Our stomachs have been okay so far (well, a little queasy, but nothing else--yet).

5. Be prepared when you are in a car for people to approach you. Be ready with money or chocolate if you are willing--I keep burying stuff in my backpack and can't find it when I need it. Our driver shakes his head. Also, they do not want you to give to the able-bodied children because it encourages begging behavior. Today a child offered to sell me a box of tissues. I gave him money, but told him to keep the tissues. This is a no-no. Take the tissues.

Oh, one more thing. Bring Lotramin--the ringworm is awful. Bring extra--all you can gather together as they desperately need it--a caseload if you can manage it.

Your are in our prayers.

Peace

WE ARE HERE!

2008-03-27T19:38:00.001-05:00

We are here! The country is beautiful, and the people are amazing. Our Spud is so, so cute! He is a little man. He is slow to smile, but is warming up to us. He is also stubborn--but that runs in the family! The language barrier is the worst part. We miss everyone and we are grateful for your thoughts and prayers.

Peace

Last Post Before Take-Off!

2008-03-22T15:35:00.003-05:00

Dear Friends,

Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement.

It's hard to believe we're almost on our way -- Tater and I fly out Sunday @ 11:35. I'm feeling a bit numb at the moment -- I'm guessing that's pretty normal.

I'll try to some posts up while I'm gone, but you know how that goes.

Have a glorious Easter. He is risen -- He is risen indeed!

I have to stop now because I'm starting to cry.

Peace.

Hooray!

2008-03-19T13:46:00.002-05:00

It's confirmed -- our embassy date will be April 3rd! Spud and I are still planning to leave this Sunday (we have tickets on hold but not yet purchased), but WMWM is having second thoughts about us traveling separately from him and Racer. I understand his concerns, even though I'm really anxious to hold Spud. We'll talk about it more tonight, and I'll keep you posted. Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes.

Peace.

Say Cheese!

2008-03-14T11:01:00.003-05:00

Yes, friends, he's SMILING! I received these updated pictures from our agency today. And it looks like our embassy date will be April 3, but we'll have to wait until next week for confirmation.

As of now, Tater and I will be departing the states on Easter Sunday, March 24, to go over early to get to know Spud. Racer & WMWM will leave the following Sunday, the 30th. And all 5 of us will be home on April 8. Amen.

Feelin' good!

I got nothin'

2008-03-13T16:22:00.003-05:00

Thanks to all who are tuning in to see if we heard today about our embassy date. Our social worker thought we would have news today, but we don't. Please send chocolate.

Racer Rocks!

2008-03-10T20:28:00.038-05:00

The Speed Racer is in a bit of a snit because she has been woefully neglected on this blog. She has a point; I’ve blogged a lot about Spud, a bit about Tater, and none about her.

In the interest of balance, I must tell you . . . my daughter is AMAZING. I'm pretty sure this song was written about her.

Our Racer is self-motivated, self-disciplined, smart, and kind. She’s quite confident in herself and her abilities, and sometimes I feel embarrassed by that. Yet confidence is the quality I admire most in her, and the one I worry she’ll lose first when she hits puberty, as happened to many of us as young girls. (Can someome please explain to me why that happens? And what we as mothers can do to help prevent it?)

Racer isn't just mentally strong, she's also kick-ass strong. This chick is a rock of sheer muscle who happily out-runs, out-push-ups, and out-pull-ups the boys in her class.

As strong as Racer is, she’s easily hurt. It's hard raising a girl, and I remember it was hard being a girl. The fact is girls aren’t always nice to each other. My daughter asks me why this is, and I have no answer for her. Why are we as girls/women the first to point out each other’s flaws and smack each other down?

Can you imagine the difference it would make in our daughters’ lives if we consciously taught our daughters to support and encourage each other? To confront each other respectfully instead of talking behind each other’s backs? To include each other instead of exclude? To value our differences instead of ridiculing them? I want to be that kind of mom. I want to be that kind of woman. Some days I hit the mark, but most days I fall short.

The other day I was thinking that I want Racer to have it all when she grows up – a great career, a beautiful family, a fabulous shoe collection. But women pay a steep price to have it all. We're expected to be all things to all people. I guess I really want Racer to have just enough. Just enough to love being herself.

Rock on, Racer.

NEWS FLASH!

2008-03-10T16:42:00.003-05:00

The orphanage review that has been delaying our travel is now complete, and our paperwork is off to the Ministry of Women's Affairs to be scheduled for an embassy date. At the embassy appointment we will receive Spud's visa and all the other necessary paperwork to bring him home. We are hoping that date will be April 3, but we won't have confirmation until Thursday. If the embassy appointment is April 3, we'll be home the week of April 7th with our son! Yippeeeeee!

Thank you again for all your prayers; please don't stop yet!

Peace.

Unsolicited Advice for Waiting Mommies

2008-03-04T13:30:00.003-06:00

Do not listen to Dixie Chicks' Godspeed while eating chocolate chip cookie dough. It will not make you feel better. And snot and dough is a very messy combo.

A Week with Wee Ones

2008-02-29T19:38:00.005-06:00

I'm a trained middle school teacher, so when I was asked to sub for the week in a 3-year-old preschool class, I wasn't quite sure what to expect.

On the first day I had a little guy dressed in a policeman uniform demand (in the most authoritative voice he could muster) that I "put my hands behind my back" because I was "under arrest." Of course I did as I was told. He led me to the corner where he "locked" me in jail. When I asked him what crime I had committed, he answered, "You made BAD choices!"

The next day a lovely child hurled in front of the classroom door right before dismissal. My reaction was to flee to avoid hurling myself, however the preschoolers desired to cluster around the miserable child and jockey for the best view. Since this incident took place in front of the door, the kids couldn't leave the classroom unless I performed an airlift mission over the vomit into the waiting hands of parents.

On the same day I had helped a little girl put her shoes on. After I tied her laces, she looked up at me and said sweetly, "Thank you, my serf." What 3-year-old knows the word SERF and can actually use it in proper context?

The week ended with one of the students loudly declaring, "My dad only wears Jockeys to bed!" Then the rest of the class began shouting out what their fathers wear to bed (or not) even though I was shouting "no, no" and holding my hands over my ears. Let's just say I won't be looking some of those guys in the eye anymore.

All in all it was a great week. It made me even more anxious to have Spud home.

And anxious to buy WMWM some pajamas.

Orphanage Review Update

2008-02-27T21:03:00.002-06:00

CHI let us know today that the orphanage review that is holding up our travel will be completed March 7. That's two days earlier than we expected. We'll take it!

Girl Talk

2008-02-27T15:50:00.008-06:00

Surprise -- I’m a liberal! What, you’re NOT surprised? :)

Like many women, I feel torn this year about our democratic field. I am caught up in the optimism of the Obama campaign, yet I’d really love to see a well-qualified woman in the White House.

I continue to be disgusted by commentators who ascribe adjectives to Hillary that would never be applied to a man with a similar forceful personality and ambition.

Take these, for example:

“Her sunshine-colored jackets on the trail hardly disguise the fact that she’s pea-green with envy.” (BTW,who cares about the color of her jackets?)

“After saying she found her “voice” in New Hampshire, she has turned into Sybil.”

“She peevishly and pointlessly complained…”

Seriously, would anyone describe Hillary as green with jealousy if she were a man? As unglued and suffering from a mental disability? As being whiny and nagging?

I know I’m not even close to the first person to complain about this. But what really made me crazy about these particular statements is that they were written by a woman, columnist Maureen Dowd in today’s New York Times. Wouldn’t you think she’d know better?

Then again, maybe I’m just being peevish.

P.S. Here's an interesting post.

Spudster again!

2008-02-24T13:53:00.009-06:00

We were blessed to receive another update from a traveling family: "I just wanted you to know that I have seen Spud several times. He looks great, just very shy around us. He is very loved and very cared for by the nannies. He seems very happy with them. I even saw him out playing in the courtyard with a ball and several other little boys around his age. He let me come up and talk to him today, just wasn't ready for me to give him a hug yet. But, I told him mommy was coming soon and the nanny understood me and told him, too." Isn't that fabulous?

WMWM is QUITE alarmed that it may be a soccer ball Spud is playing with in the courtyard at HOH. We are not a soccer family -- WMWM's theory on soccer is "it's not a sport if you don't use your hands." Of course, this is from a man whose theory on the Grand Canyon is that "it's just a big hole in the ground."

WMWM and I have been in negotiations about me going to Ethiopia before him and the kids to begin bonding with Spud. His concerns have included my safety and health. However, the possibility that Spud is playing soccer may have sealed the deal for me. WMWM has instructed me to pack a baseball. It's obvious where my heath and safety really rate, huh?

WMWM took a l-o-n-g time to warm up to this adoption thing (years and years), and when he finally agreed I was worried he was doing it for me. The day we received Spud's referral and saw his picture, WMWM declared Spud's middle name would be "Banks" after Ernie Banks of the Cubs. I wasn't worried after that.

Thank you ALL for keeping us in your prayers.

Peace.

Spud Update

2008-02-18T20:25:00.002-06:00

Spudlet turned 18 months last Friday, the 15th. At one point we thought we would be traveling this week to bring him home. It appears now as though we will not travel until April.

I got a call from a wonderful mama who returned home with her beautiful child last week. She shared that Spud is TINY, like 12-18 months-pants-size-tiny. He likes lollipops and bubbles, but he is very shy and apprehensive. He has some hair now. He seems sad.

I have been praying that God softens Spud's heart for us and that his hurts can heal. I know He is holding him in the palm of His hand.

Amen.

I Want My Baby Back

2008-02-15T16:05:00.004-06:00

I was informed by Tater on the way home from school today that he will be "chillaxing" in the basement all evening because he needs some "me time." I was further instructed that his father and I are not to have any contact with him unless it is an emergency, and that means someone better be bleeding.

That's it! This growing up MUST stop! Mama's heart can't take it. Effective immediately Tater will be restricted to a diet of cigarettes and candy in an effort to stunt his growth.

Is That a Volcano in Your Pocket ...

2008-02-13T14:08:00.004-06:00

As a fifth grader, Tater got to watch the "puberty" video at school yesterday. The following exchange took place when I picked him up from school.

Me: Did you learn anything from the movie today?

Tater: Yeah. I learned that boys have things called "eruptions."

Close enough, I suppose.

Peace.

Back to the Books

2008-02-12T14:46:00.000-06:00

There are several books that celebrate being Black-American and having African heritage that we have added to Spud’s library.

Black All Around is a rhyming book with bold illustrations. This joyous picture book honors all things in our world that are beautiful and black.

The beauty of diversity within the African American community is the focus of the book, Shades of Black. It features fun photography and marvelous metaphors for skin of all hues.

I See the Rhythm is a serious yet fun rhyming book that is a stunningly-illustrated. It explores the history of African American music and the impact it has had on the world. This is a book kids can grow into – they may not understand all of the vocabulary when they are small, but they will love the sound of you reading it. And as they get older, kids will enjoy the timeline and facts that are included in the margins of each page.

Africa Brothers and Sisters is an out-of-print book I ordered from an online reseller. It’s about a father sharing the family’s African roots with his son and describing the diversity and gifts of the people and cultures of Africa.

The author of Masai and I uses the imagination of a young girl to take readers on a journey through Masai culture. The main character compares a typical day in her life to what her life would be like in a Masai village. The text is engaging and the illustrations are colorful.

A couple of books I’ve read but have not purchased are Happy to be Nappy, Nappy Hair, and I Love My Hair. These are all great books that feature girls experiencing the joys and trials associated with their hair. Since Spud is a boy, I decided to spend my limited funds on other books for now, but I hope to add these to our collection at a later time.

Do you know of any other books along these lines that we should check out? Please share!

Peace.

Responsibilities - Last part!

2008-02-10T20:03:00.000-06:00

I have just a couple of random thoughts to wrap up this string of posts.

First, I know that just showing up at a church a couple times a month won’t integrate us into the life of its congregation. I do plan to become an active, contributing member of this church family and be about its work. Last Wednesday I began attending a Bible study, and I will be volunteering for a committee that is forming this month. (On a side note, I’m not one who often thinks she’s “heard” the Lord “speaking” to her, but He was screaming at me Wednesday to get my rumpus to Bible study. I have been telling myself to go for a couple of months now, but when Wednesdays rolled around, I always chickened out. I made every excuse to Him this Wednesday too, but He would have none of it. Thank you, Lord!)

Second, the pastor of this church embraced us whole-heartedly (literally and figuratively!) from the first second we stepped through its doors. After a few months of attending, I made an appointment to speak with him. I spilled our adoption story and explained our desire for Spud to grow up with strong, faithful people of color in his life. Then I asked if he would help us raise our son. He was affirming and encouraging and gracious. We spoke openly about adoption, race, raising children, and faith.

If you, like us, look out at your life and see only pale people gazing back, think about the message you’re sending to your child. Meeting new people and putting ourselves in new situations is often uncomfortable, but we need to get out there and do it. It is our responsibility, and it’s an amazing gift we can give our children and ourselves.

Peace.

Segway...

2008-02-10T18:18:00.000-06:00

I took the "religion" quiz at this link and matched 100% to Orthodox Quaker. Wow.

Responsibilities - Pt. 2

2008-02-09T15:41:00.001-06:00

Many years ago when Tater was about 3, I decided to visit a predominantly Black church in the same neighborhood as our church. It’s difficult to sort through my motivations for doing so. Honestly, part of it was that I love gospel music. Part of it was that I was a bit disenchanted with our church at the time. And part of it was that I was vaguely aware of the “whiteness” of our family’s world, and I wanted to expand Tater’s horizons.

So one morning after T's 8:00 service, Tater and I walked down the block and attended another service. I was wearing a jean dress, no nylons, and flat shoes. As usual, I brought Tater Cheerios to eat and little cars to play with during service. When we arrived, people stared at us. The ushers greeted us cautiously. We were led to a pew where I proceeded to unpack all Tater’s food and toys and spread them out next to us. Next thing I knew, a stern usher lady with white gloves and a white cap descended upon us and told me to put everything away. I was embarrassed. I was intimidated. I wanted to go home.

After that experience, I decided it would be a cold day in H-E-double-toothpicks before I tried that again. But if you really think about it, what happened at that church was MY OWN FAULT. I was incredibly disrespectful. The congregants of this church were dressed impeccably, and I had shown up in a jean dress and bare legs. The children of this church (even the little ones!) sat reverently behind the pastor with their hands folded, yet I had commandeered one-quarter of a pew with my kid’s stuff and assumed that my toddler’s eating and playing during service would be excused.

People hadn’t stared and frowned at me because I was white, they had stared and frowned because I was PRESUMPTUOUS AND RUDE!

Whenever we accept an invitation, I make sure to dress appropriately. If I don’t know a lot about where we are going or who is hosting, I usually ask around so I can prepare myself and my children to behave according to expectations. Yet as a guest in this church, I hadn’t bothered to attend to these simple courtesies.

Though this experience was painful, it was invaluable in my life in general, and it was part of God’s plan to shape me into Spud’s mama, even though at the time I had no idea I would be Spud’s mama!

When I decided to visit churches again this fall, I went about it differently. I dressed respectfully. I humbly asked questions about the traditions of the church and its worship service. I observed the expectations of the congregants and did my best to conform.

But as I mentioned earlier, I’m not perfect. I’ve made embarrassing mistakes (walking down the center aisle of M’s sanctuary after service has started is a no-no, in case you’re wondering). When I make mistakes, I apologize profusely, and then I forgive myself. And I find others forgive me too.

Peace.

Responsibilities - Pt. 1

2008-02-08T13:41:00.002-06:00

A couple of things I want to set out before I start this entry:

1. I am not an expert nor am I perfect. I am a work in progress.
2. The purpose of these entries is not to “toot my own horn,” but to share information and encourage others who are also works in progress.
3. Since I am not an expert nor perfect, I will make mistakes. If I phrase something in a way that is insensitive or I have made assumptions based on stereotypes without realizing it, please call me out. I want to learn.

One of the greatest responsibilities we accept as adoptive parents is to make sure we are raising strong people of color. It occurred to me early on that we are uniquely unqualified to meet this challenge alone. WMWM and I would have to look to people of color to help us.

So, I started counting the number of people of color with whom we have close relationships and who could serve as role models for our son. There were exactly none. We have a few Black-American acquaintances, but no close friends.

It saddened me to realize that it took adoption for me to grasp how very white and very privileged my world is, especially since I considered myself an open-minded, non-racist individual (more on that deluded thinking in a future post).

The thought of establishing new, close relationships in our lives was overwhelming. By the time you reach our age, your circle is pretty much established. Building relationships requires time and energy, but kids, jobs, and other commitments don’t leave you with much of either. On top of that, where would we start?

We decided to start with church because we truly desire our son to be loved and influenced by people of faith. I began visiting predominantly Black-American churches and found one that I loved, which I'll call "M". We are very active in our Lutheran church (T), so this decision meant that we would need to find a way to honor both our Lutheran heritage and M.

I’ll be honest – it hasn’t been easy finding a way to honor both. See, WMWM was baptized and confirmed at T and has attended there all his life. His parents, grandparents on both sides, and on back for generations attended this church. Our kids were baptized there. The roots run deep. Also, WMWM was elected president of our congregation, and as such is expected to attend faithfully.

For now our solution is to split our time. I attend M every other Sunday, and WMWM has committed to attending once a month for now. On the one Sunday a month when WMWM and I do not attend the same church, we usually let the kids decide which parent they would like to go with.

I’m getting off track from where I wanted to go here, so let me bring it back around. Deciding to attend a new church was not easy. As usual, I was worried. I worried that . . .

people would stare at me . .
some might resent me for being there . . .
people would think I was trying to “act black” (whatever that means) . . .
once they found out I was adopting, would people think I was “using them” to be my “black friends”? And would they be right? . . .
I would accidentally say something stupid or offensive . . .
etc. etc. etc.

In other words, it was all about ME. But then I realized it's not about me, it's about SPUD.

This post is getting long, so I will continue tomorrow. Thanks for hanging in there!

Peace.

It's Not That Simple

2008-02-04T09:58:00.000-06:00

International adoption seems like such a simple thing -- there are children in the world who need homes. We have a home and desire a child. Put the two together, and the world is a better place. Right?

Some days I try to convince myself that adoption is actually that simple. Because the reality of adoption is so much more complicated and difficult to face.

The reality of adoption is that it's about loss. A birthmother loses her child. A child loses his birth family. He loses his country. His language. His name. Everything that looks, sounds, feels, tastes, and smells familiar.

The reality of adoption is that it's about race. It's about (mostly) white people adopting children of color. How will we white people raise these children? Will we raise them to be strong, confident, adults of color? Or will they grow up angry, hurt, and confused about their identities?

The reality of adoption is that it's about class. It's about upper and middle class people removing children of poverty from poorer nations. It's about profiting personally from someone else's unfortunate economic circumstances. It's about thousands of dollars exchanging hands, but none of it getting into the hands of the family who needed it to take care of the child.

The reality of adoption is that it's about control. As in the child has none. He doesn't choose to forfeit his culture. He doesn't choose to abandon his language and his customs. He doesn't choose to live in a country where people of his skin color are still stereotyped, discriminated against, and marginalized. We've made all the decisions -- but it's our child who has to live with them.

Why then are we moving forward? It's a question always on my mind. The answer is simple: there are children in the world who need homes. We have a home and the desire to parent a child. So we move forward humbly and with the understanding that we are accepting an incredible gift, and with it incredible responsibility.

Peace.

Perspective

2008-01-31T20:04:00.000-06:00

I needed some. I got some here.

And here.

And here.

Enough said.

One Step Foward, Two Steps Back

2008-01-31T10:58:00.001-06:00

Well, I'm finally feeling stable enough to blog about what many of you already know: we won't be traveling in February as we had expected to bring Spud home. On Tuesday we learned that the Ethiopian government will be conducting their annual review of the orphanage where Spud is from. The review is expected to be complete on March 9. In the meantime, no travel visas or embassy appointments will be scheduled for children from that orphanage. Our agency can't predict how soon after 3/9 we will know when we will travel.

News of this delay came to me while shopping at The Limited (yes, I know I'm too old to shop there, but hope springs eternal). In short order I was lying on the floor of The Limited hyperventilating. Interestingly, no one came to my aid. I think they thought I had flipped out, and a few seemed to be seriously contemplating summoning the men in the little white coats. Actually, I could have used some valium about then.

Anyway, I am angry. The only problem is, there's no one to be angry at. Can't be angry at Ethiopia -- reviewing orphanages is a good thing. Can't be angry at my agency -- it's not their fault. Mostly I'm angry because I can't fix it. I'm a "fix it" kind of person. I am a problem solver. I work things out. I never say die.

So I'm angry because I'm helpless to fix this.

And I'm angry with God. It may sound sacreligious to be angry with God, but I figure He can handle it. He's got hugely big shoulders, right? I really do get the fact that He's in charge and there is a reason for this. But honestly, what reason could there possibly be for a child to be delayed from having a mom and a dad? (This is my Mole mind speaking, of course.)

So I've been pondering ways to ease my anger and disappointment. My wise SIL does yoga -- that's an option. The mom of the other family affected by the orphanage review is training to run a marathon -- that's an option -- NOT!! For now I've settled on demolishing the 5 lb. bag of chocolate I bought to take to the House of Hope. Oh and yesterday I downed a half-a-bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough. And I've pounded two lattes already today.

Chocolate and caffeine...salve for the soul.

God is Good.

Peace.

Peace of Mind

2008-01-28T16:55:00.000-06:00

One of the many amazing things you get to experience during adoption is the kindness of strangers. It's unbelievable how many lovely people you've never met and probably never will meet in person reach out to you via the internet and email to offer encouragement, prayers, and information. I can't imagine what it would have been like to go through this process prior to the availability of the net. It must have been a very lonely experience.

Thanks to the kindness of strangers who recently traveled to the House of Hope, we received a couple Spud updates yesterday and today that have eased my mind. One wrote, "Your son Ermias is a handsome little guy. He is quiet and content to play by himself. He likes to explore and figure stuff out. When he smiles at you it's like being given a gift."

Another shared, "I am sure you will intuitively give your son everything he needs at the right time. I too found him intense and serious. Ever watchful of all that is going on around him. He is beautiful boy. And as serious as he is he stands right in the center of all the activity sometimes...although not necessarily partaking, certainly not fearful, just right in the mix."

And Noelle's note in the "Comments" section of the last post was wonderful to read.

So...he plays. He watches. He SMILES.

We're blessed.

Thank you, friends.

Yearning for a Smile

2008-01-26T10:37:00.000-06:00

The director of the House of Hope, Spud's current home, has said Spud "acts like a grown up boy." All the CHI families who have met Spud have described him to us as "serious." We are very fortunate to have several pictures of Spud, and he indeed appears to be intense.

There are no pictures of him smiling.

All day every day, I am yearning to see this child smile. I imagine myself tickling his tiny ribs and listening to him giggle. I imagine myself tossing him in the air and hearing him squeal with joy. I imagine myself blowing zurples on his beautiful tummy and watching him belly laugh like a child who doesn't have a care in the world.

But I must be cautious not to burden him with my yearning. I may need to see him smile and hear him laugh, but he may need to frown awhile longer. He may need a mama just to quietly hold him tight. To wipe his tears and stroke his cheek. To be a calm rock while he grieves.

I hope I can be just what he needs.

Peace.

Feeling Blue

2008-01-24T13:25:00.000-06:00

My goal with this blog is to be of some comfort to others who are adopting, but I still haven't figured out how much to put out there. I mean, what if something that's on my heart makes me appear to be a really ugly person? But what if by appearing to be an ugly person, I give comfort to someone else feeling ugly? So, here goes ...

I'm not sure what to do with the swill of feelings I've been experiencing lately. Self-pity. Jealousy. Faithlessness.

It's like I've been playing "Whack a Mole" in my head the last few weeks.

Mole (twisted mind): "What the heck is going on over there? We've had our referral since Nov. 2, we had 3 court dates, and we've been told that there's a misspelling on Spud's paperwork that needs to be fixed before an embassy appointment can be scheduled and this error may push things out another week. Why is this happening to me?"

Whack! (rational mind): "Why NOT you? Nobody is doing anything TO you, it just is. And it just is for a reason, a reason we may never know, but God knows. Maybe there's something we need to do here yet. Maybe Africa needs her Spud for a little while longer, or he needs her."

Mole: "Yeah, but look at all those people who get to travel now. Most of them didn't have these set backs."

Whack!" You haven't walked a mile in their shoes. How do you know what setbacks they have faced getting where they are? Many, many who have adopted have had longer, harder journeys than yours. Stop complaining about a few weeks."

Mole: "Now I feel guilty for feeling this way."

Whack! Whack! "It's okay to feel sad. You're missing a part of your child's life. Every day he's doing things that you aren't there to share. The days ARE slipping by, and they are days that won't come again. That is sad. Here's a tissue."

Mole: "If you had faith, you wouldn't feel this way."

Whack! Whack! Whack! "God never promised you wouldn't feel lousy sometimes, that you wouldn't be scrambling for your mustard seed. But its times like these you know your faith is alive, because it's almost tangible, like you're hanging on Jesus's cloak. And even though he's walking and you're dragging in the dirt, you've got hold of his hem. And it's all good where he's taking you."

So there it is. The no good, very bad, terrible me.

WHACK!

Peace.

Da Bears

2008-01-22T17:27:00.000-06:00

The Ethiopia Program Director at our adoption agency shared this link with us today. After you open the link, click on Muhammad Adoption Feature on the right.

http://www.chicagobears.com/

Peace.

Introducing ... Spud!

2008-01-21T09:49:00.000-06:00

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! We made it! We were approved to adopt Spud. I'm going to go process this now. More later.

Peace.

But We Digress (or is it Regress?)

2008-01-20T13:10:00.000-06:00

What have we been doing while we wait for news of Spud? Playing with his toys, of course! We especially love the "See 'n Say," don't we kids?

I hope Spud doesn't think he's been adopted by aliens.

Peace.

P.S. So much for Tater's reputation as our serious, thoughtful child.

P.P.S. Speed Racer is MORTIFIED that she appears with bed head on the net.

Comfort and Joy

2008-01-18T11:50:00.000-06:00

As we wait this week to hear the outcome of our third court date, I have been comforted by the Confession we prayed this Sunday at church. I thought it might comfort you, as well.

"Lord Jesus, we admit that sometimes our faith is weak. Many times we want to control the outcome of situations in our lives, rather than trusting You. Sometimes we feel as if we're not good enough to be blessed with the strength and peace that You promise Your people. We get anxious; we worry, and our thoughts turn to "What about me?" rather than "What does my God have in store for me?" Too often we live like we matter most. And so we have sinned in our thoughts, words, and deeds. We ask for Your forgiveness, Your strength, and Your peace. We pray this morning that our faith in You and our ability to hear Your voice would increase as You desire. In Your name, Jesus, we pray. Amen"

God is good. ALL the time.

Peace.

"She is too fond of books, and it has turned her brain." (Louisa May Alcott, 1873)

2008-01-16T14:01:00.000-06:00

It's true, my brain is turned, but I'm sure my fondness for books is not the sole cause of my compromised mental state. I am passionate about reading, however, and I am passionate about sharing my love of reading with children (mine and anyone else's I can get my hands on). That's a large part of why I became a teacher.

Reading to your child is good for his heart and good for his mind, and the benefits last a lifetime. Read this for details.

With the addition of Spud to our family, I have a new excuse to buy more books. I had built up quite a library of children's books for Tater and Racer, but I passed many of them on to the kids' teachers, our school library, and younger cousins as my kids outgrew them. Each book had memories attached, and it hurt every time I let one go (I did save the ones they loved the best to pass on to their children).

As I build Spud's collection, I am especially aware of my responsibility to choose books that feature characters of color. From time to time, I'd like to share books we've added to our home library. I hope you find a new family favorite among them. Also, I would love it if you would share your treasured titles with us.

Charlesbridge publishers is a great resource for books featuring children from around the world, and I added several to our library. Best of all, many of the titles are "Global Fund for Children Books," which means part of the purchase price will be used to "support innovative community-based organizations that serve the world's most vulnerable children and youth." All babies love to look at pictures of other babies, and your whole family will love looking at the beautiful cuties in Global Babies. This board book features gorgeous babes from 17 different cultures with simple text.

To Be a Kid is a book that celebrates that kids are kids, no matter where they live. Your family will love the pictures of kids around the world playing and having fun. Animal Friends is another book featuring kids around the world, this time with their favorite animals. Too cute.

I'll tell you about the other titles I ordered from Charlesbridge in a future blog.

But now, let's all go and read our kids a good book.

Peace.

Disappointing News

2008-01-13T21:50:00.000-06:00

We heard this afternoon that our second court appointment was also unsuccessful. We have been rescheduled for this Friday, the 18th.

God is good. He has the plan.

Peace.

Change is Good

2008-01-13T15:23:00.000-06:00

Last night I was relaxing in a comfy chair cruisin' the net with my laptop. For some reason both Tater and Racer climbed onto my lap (did I mention there was a laptop there?) and put their arms around my neck. Being the cranky mommy that I am, I gave them both sharp jabs to the ribs and said, "Get off me!" But they didn't budge. I was just about to repeat myself when I realized my 10- and 11-year-old kids were SITTING on my lap. I decided to go with it. I set aside the laptop, and we just hung out there and hugged for awhile.

Racer began to reminisce. She said, "Remember when we used to read books together in your bed every night?"

Tater responded, "Yeah, can we do that tonight?"

From the time they were babes until they were in 2nd and 3rd grades, family book reading was a bedtime ritual. After baths the kids would pile into our bed with their wet hair, footie PJs, and Johnson's baby lotion skin. And then I would read to them. The ritual slowly fizzled as the kids moved into chapter books and their reading interests diverged. (Magic Tree House for Tater, Junie B. Jones for Racer.)

So last night we decided we'd read a few old favorites and a few of the new books we'd bought for Spud.

Everyone brushed teeth, put on their PJs, and squeezed into my bed. And I mean squeezed.

Once we managed to get cozy, I began reading one of their all-time favorites, The Giant Jam Sandwich, a lovely story about how the clever people of a town infested with wasps build a giant jam sandwich to trap the annoying insects. At the end of the book I was basking in the warm fuzziness of it all when Tater blurted, "That story is SO dumb." Racer broke into a fit of giggles. Not wanting to lose the mood, I gently reminded them how much they used to love when the townspeople baked the giant bread, spread the sticky jam, and finally squished the unsuspecting wasps by dropping the bread on them. I thought Tater's eyes were misting over, but I was wrong. "Whatever," he replied, rolling his eyes. Then we all burst out laughing.

Our next old favorite was Guess How Much I Love You (who can resist Little Nutbrown Hare?) followed by What Do You Do With a Kangaroo? (Throw him out -- that's what you do!)

Then we made new favorites that we can't wait to share with Spud. We think he'll love The Sneetches, Let's Talk About Race, and Bippity Bop Barbershop!

In the end, the evening wasn't exactly like the "old days" . . .

Tater is a little stinkier.
Racer is a little gigglier.
And I'm a little wrinklier.

. . . it was better.

Peace.

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

2008-01-13T13:43:00.000-06:00

All last night I dreamed that I lost Spud. Then I would find him, only to lose him again. Frantically I'd search for him everywhere, find him in the oddest place, and lose him again.

With all the true loss Spud has experienced in his short life, I wonder what he dreamed about last night.

Peace.

No Word on Court

2008-01-11T16:34:00.000-06:00

We haven't heard yet if our court appointment was successful. :( But here is a TMI post while you wait ...

Peace.

A Rose By Any Other Name . . .

2008-01-11T16:32:00.000-06:00

My son is getting older. How do I know? He stinks. He's sporting that gamey, adolescent boy smell. And his bedroom has the fragrance of "eau de locker room."

Unfortunately, I have experience with this odious odor. I taught middle school, and every year the other teachers and I would pray we didn't have the boys the period after P.E.

Febreeze is my new best friend.

Who, ME? (Isn't he a good sport?)

Peace.

It's a God Thing

2008-01-10T20:47:00.001-06:00

Actually, I don't care for that phrase because EVERYTHING is a God thing. But something did happen on Wednesday to remind me that He's in control.

I planned to make a quick stop at the post office to use the debit/credit machine (I never have cash) to buy some stamps. All I needed was stamps. Of course, the machine was out of order, and I had to stand in a 35-mile-long line for the window. I was majorly annoyed and almost left. But I NEEDED stamps, so I whined a little and stood in line feeling like these things always happen to me. Whah.

Next thing I know, a woman walks in with a little cutie pie baby and gets in line behind me. I make googly eyes at the kid and ask the momma how old he is. She says he's 18 months. I tell her that we're adopting an 18-month-old. She asks from where. I say Ethiopia. She says (you guessed it), that her son is from ETHIOPIA!!! We have the most lovely conversation for the 34 miles left of the line and end up exchanging emails and talking about getting together.

There are about 75,000 people in our town and about 26 families who have adopted from Ethiopia. What are the chances I'd be standing in line at the post office with one of them? God knows the chances.

Peace.

Welcome!

2008-01-10T15:30:00.000-06:00

Well, I did it. I started a blog. I knocked it around in my head for a long time. Because really, who wants to read about my family? And how much do I want to put out there for people to read? But what worried me most is that I would be sucked into the blogosphere and my motherly duties would be severly neglected -- I tend to be obsessive about things. (The last few months I was obsessed with crocheting. I have several nifty scarves now, but very dirty floors.) In the end, however, I decided to go for it. Being able to read other Ethiopia adoption blogs has been such a blessing that I am hoping to pay it forward for others in the process. I hope this blog can be as much of comfort to others as other blogs have been to me!

I guess it makes sense to introduce us. This is WMWM (World's Most Wonderful Man) and me. We are 43 years old and have been married 13 years. We're complete opposites, and completely in love.

And here are our kiddos...

This is Tater, age 11. He is our serious, thinking child.

He plays basketball...
baseball...

and he was our neighborhood's belly-flop champion!

This is Speed Racer, age 10. She is our social, on-the-go child.

She's a competitive gymnast...

who loves girlfriends, gabbing, giggling...

and swimming!

Then there's Spud who's 17 months old. We're adopting him from Ethiopia. Unfortunately, we are not allowed to post a picture of him until our court date is complete. Good news -- our court date is tomorrow, so pictures may be coming soon! In the meantime, know that he is beautiful and precious. If our court date is successful tomorrow, we may travel to Ethiopia in as soon as three weeks.

I believe that's enough blogging for today. Thank you for visiting! :)